-woke up at 5am thinking I would be taking Clif to work. He called in because he was still sick. Bummer, but as long as he doesn't lose his job, it's his decision.

-at 9:30am picked up my mom and her friend to go get my inspection sticker. I had to go with them because they know a guy who would pass it whether it legally passed or not.

-went to eat at Iguana Joe's with my mom and her friend. I paid for it.

-went with my mom and her friend to CVS. Bought my mom some hair dye and highlights kits and some nyquil and some cheap merlot. It's what she wanted for mother's day.

-came home (exhausted and pissed because it was so hot outside) around 1:30pm

-i woke clif up and we woked some smeed (:P) and i attempted to drink some coffee to ward off my sleepiness.

-coffee did nothing. I ended up falling asleep on the couch between 3pm and 4:30pm

-when i woke up, i got ready for work

-clocked in at work at 5:05pm

-worked until 10:15pm and it was lame!

-now i am here, writing this blog.

So today was one of the busiest days I have had in a long while. I forgot how much I hated doing stuff. Well mostly. I guess it all just depends on my mood. It was a good productive day for me. Rarely do I ever get so completely tired that I just fall asleep on the couch. Either way, today was one for the record books.

I have to take Clif to work at 5am tomorrow then I go to work at 10am!

I am 20 years old and female.

I have horrible mood swings when I am on my period.

I love being loved.

I read alot (or try to).

I don't like sleeping.

I wear my clothes and shoes completely out.

I smoke.

I drive daily on a suspended license.

I know my mother would hate the person I was if she wasn't my mother.

I am the ugly duckling/black sheep.

Only one boy has ever truly loved me.

I need to feel needed.

I don't wear makeup because I don't think it makes me look any different.

Music has always been my solace.

I am mostly okay with my weight.

I hide from legal issues.

I cry (unwillingly) at least once a week.

I believe in extraterrestrials.

I can drive/think/work better with music in the background.

I hold on to hate.

I am constantly hot (temperature-wise).

I have always tried to hold on to my individuality as much as I possibly can.

I like to work at restaurants in the kitchen.

I have always been jealous of my sister.

I rarely vomit.

I always have a headache.

I sometimes wish I could just turn my brain off.

I am a people-pleaser.

I think about sex everyday.

I try to do the "good" thing but it never usually works out that way.

I sometimes wish I didn't even have a phone.

I avoid people when I am upset.

I have had a panic attack and it was the scariest feeling I've ever felt.

I have alot of mean, hateful things to say to my father if he ever resurfaces.

The look in my guy's eyes when he says "I love you" keeps me grounded.

I am too smart for my own good.

I am extremely perceptive and can read between the lines well.

I can be a crazy bitch.

I hate my boyfriend's mother.

I have regretfully used other people more than once in my life.

I hated the popular kids in school for having more friends than I did.

I was silent (literally) my whole 7th grade year.

I have never been rich.

Most people who meet me think I hate them automatically.

I am judgemental.

I can drink more than most men.

I can't cook in a kitchen that isn't made for service for my life.

Almost every girl friend I have ever had has fucked me over.

I love sitting outside alone at night on my grandmother's porch.

I love the history channel.

I love outer space.

I've read all the Little House on the Praire books.

I'm jealous of my boyfriend's half sister.

I have eaten cow tounge and loved it.

There was a time when I strived for vengeance.

There was a time when sex didn't mean anything to me.

I lost my virginity at 16.

I pretend not to know why I feel the way I do sometimes.

I worry that my boyfriend will give up on me any day now.

I don't think I am beautiful.

I have been heart broken before.

I am more codependent that I would like to be.

I take things way too seriously.

I have only died my hair once when I was 12.

I can be selfish.

Very few things make me honestly excited or happy.

It may not be appealing. But it's me. 

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't care about me. I just got home from work and he went straight to sleep. He couldn't even save a bowl for me. He doesn't even ask how work was. He just goes to sleep and I'm the one left feeling like a jackass because I'm all alone.

With him working everyday and me at home jobless, I got so lonely. So incredibly lonely. I feel like he doesn't even care.

His answer is that it's the real world and this is how it is. We work all the time and try to make the best of our time together.

What fucking time?

The drive to and from his job?

I just can't stand the loneliness.

I've been hanging out with my MOTHER. That's how lonely I am. She doesn't even get me. No one gets me.

I know Clif is right. I know that this is how it's going to be. But honestly, this is the saddest I have been in a while.

I feel like he doesn't even care. I feel like I am going to be lonely forever.

I don't want to live like this. I don't want to hope and wish to be with someone all the time, knowing (hoping) that he misses me too. I don't want to have to deal with all this. But I have to.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have him walk in the bathroom, me in the tub bleeding everywhere because I killed myself. Am I sick or what? I feel so twisted and crazy. And alone.

I don't have any friends because I thought that he would be all I need...

Sometimes I am so stupid. I wish I could just be happy... normal... like everyone else.

I wish someone knew how I felt. I wish they really understood. But I feel like no one does. When I try to tell someone, they just say that it will be okay. What if it isn't? What if I am so close to doing something horrible?

How can I even sleep tonight?